Friday, February 12, 2010

February 12th

(Excuse this long post! On going healing. I've never written the whole story out. I'm a bit nervous posting it all but I want to be real. Be transparent in hopes of using part of my testimony to let others know God will NEVER leave you. His love is perfect even when bad things happen. Our faith is strengthened through trial.)

February 12th - a day I always remember. My dad's birthday but ever since 1999 it has taken on a different meaning. The day we lost Mikey. I'll never forget. I was on LSU choir tour in Texas and we had our last performance in Houston that morning. My parents and grandma drove from SA to see us perform. Bless their hearts they got lost and drove all that way to miss the performance =( I was so bummed but we still got to go to lunch together. (I have a funny story about our ride to Whataburger so ask me if you want to know)

So we ate at Whataburger. I had the chicken strips box and mulled over if I should go back to SA with them or not. I wanted to but it was going to be my first Mardi Gras so I really wanted to get back to Baton Rouge to go with the guy I was dating at the time. So... I said my goodbyes and took the tour bus back where I got to my dorm room and crashed from exhaustion. Next thing I know, I woke up with the phone call from Kate. I was still trying to wake up and make sense of what she was saying. I crumbled. My body went numb. Mikey had been in a head on accident as the passenger and they believed that the driver had fallen asleep at the wheel. They were driving back to SA from ACU for a close friend's funeral. Both were gone instantly.

The rest is a little blurry. I was beside myself and didn't have anyone with me. Marie was already in New Orleans with her sisters for a ball that evening. I couldn't get ahold of her. I called J.J. but didn't get an answer. I finally called the guy I was dating (Ken) and he came to pick me up. He probably had no idea what to do with me. I just needed to be with someone...anyone. I finally heard from J.J. while at Ken's apartment and I fell apart all over again. I still remember sitting in the corner on the kitchen floor in the corner by the dish washer. Sobbing. The next day Ken drove me to SA and dropped me off while he traveled on to College Station to visit friends. I don't have very fond memories of him but this was such a selfless thing to do.

Tragedy.

Isn't it funny how we can remember every tiny detail when it hits? What we're wearing, eating, times, clothes, smells, songs... it keeps things fresh in our minds. Feb. 12th continued to be bad when I found out on the one year anniversary I had been cheated on. I was crushed all over again. How could this be happening? Especially when I had given so much of myself not to lose him? And on the one year anniversary? Are you serious? The second year anniversary I couldn't get out of bed. I skipped conducting that morning even though I had a conducting project due and if you know me, that was not something I do. I just couldn't bring myself to get going. The third year, I was still so upset but I was at least functioning. And year after year, it gets easier and easier even though I remember everything just as much as I did so many years ago.

Why do I write all this? Well, for those who have made it this far it's to attest to the cliche that time heals. And it does. It's not as fresh. It's more of a scar rather than an open wound. There has been healing over the past 11 years.

When everything happened, I lost it. I totally turned my back on God. I was 18 and facing my first real tragedy in life along with transitioning to living far away and adjusting to college. Needless to say, I made bad decisions and each one made me farther and farther away from Him. It was such a lonely and dark time as I look back. What a sad girl living her life the way she wanted. Leaving God out of the equation. Getting farther and farther away. In hindsight, I know that God's hand never left me. He was faithful even though I turned away. He was there with arms wide open when I decided to fall back into Him. He never left. I was so afraid of losing people that I turned away from THE ONE that would NEVER leave me. NEVER hurt me.

So again, I say all this knowing that even though it was painful, it has helped mold me into who I am today. IT helped me deal with losing two other close friends a few years down the road. So much lose taught me more than I could've imagined. I don't take my time here for granted. I don't take people for granted. I try to live day to day like it's my last. I know we are not promised tomorrow so I want to be His hands and feet to everyone I meet. I want to teach my girl's about their Lord everyday. My faith is deeper today than it ever has been. Not only have I learned and grown into a totally different woman from these experiences, I've been able to reach out to those who lose people they love. I pray to be encouraging and be able to relate. To tell them that yes it hurts but it does get easier. It doesn't mean you don't care or you forget but you heal more and more each day.

All in all, I testify to forgiveness. Jesus Christ was the ultimate sacrifice so we could be forgiven from our sinful ways. Action, hearts, minds... we need to forgive others and forgive each other so we can move on. Heal. Take advantage of everyday we have with those we love.

So today as I remembered Mikey and that day long ago, this song came on KLOVE. I've never heard it and I tried to get it on YouTube to post it for you but for some reason I couldn't. It's called "Beautiful History" by Plumb. Awesome. Here is the text. My favorite part is probably when it talks about when we run away and turn from our faith, it's just another stroke on our page making our beautiful history...

I pray that my LONG story and testimony encourages someone and that this song touches someone else the way it did me today!

"Beautiful History"

I have made mistakes
and I have been afraid
I have felt alone
Then you called my name

Things were crashing loudly
Happening all around me
But you're still small voice
Was all that I could hear

I am here
I'm holding you
You'll make it through this
I am here, I am here
x2

Whenever you run away
whenever you lose you're faith
It's just another stroke of
the pen on the page

A lonely ray of hope
is all that you need to see
a beautiful history

Well I have been such a fool
when I have known the truth
I've wasted so much time
Doing what I want to do

I've been living solely
for myself and myself only
but your still small voice
is whispering

I toss and turn and scream
I try to do everything
with two feet on the ground
I just keep falling down again

I feel so far from home
Completely on my own
and then I hear you say
I am here, I am here

Whenever you run away
whenever you lose you're faith
It's just another stroke of
the pen on the page

A lonely ray of hope
is all that you need
to see
a beautiful history
a beautiful history
a beautiful history

3 comments:

Aggiema (Michelle) said...

Sweet post! These things are incredibly hard to bear and yet they are the things that mold and make us into the people we are. I am coming up on the 2nd Anniversary of my Mom's passing (26th of Feb)and I still think of her every day. Slowly but surely it gets a little better.

I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day with your 3 special Valentines!

Tara aka "Mama Koala" said...

Oh, Kathryn-thank you for this, and for being such an encourager...we are a week away from the one year anniversary of losing Sarah...oh I miss her so!

Jayme said...

Kathryn, thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it is very difficult to articulate that kind of pain. Your strength and honesty will encourage and inspire others.